Stop screwing yourself over.

Very often we tend to rub salt in our wounds. We tend to go to people we know all they good at is hurt us. We often put our hands on a hot plate and still wonder why we burnt. Basically, we are screwing ourselves over.

We cannot ignore the fact sometimes we can’t help but go back to the hurt. That is why we need to understand this:

Every feeling demands to be felt.

Every experience demands to be experienced.

And every hunger demands to be filled.

So we have to understand that if we are lonely, for instance, and we use others to avoid being lonely we are still going to feel lonely with the person. If we are pained, and we refuse to feel it, we are simply going to pass it on someone else, and this someone else is mostly likely your loved one.

How about we cut ourselves some lack. Let’s allow ourselves to be human and experience these human feelings. Let’s start by forgiving ourselves every time we turn to the hurt. Let’s be patient and compassionate with ourselves. And let’s have faith that once we know better, our decisions and actions will be better. We will, bit by bit, quit screwing ourselves over.

 

 

With God about friends

It’s 02:30 am. I am feeling quite overwhelmed. I am feeling quite full. I know also that a part of me is happy.

What do I do in this hour?

I give thanks for life. I give thanks for my friends and family. I ignore my friends so much that It really hit me today. I am this overwhelmed because I’ve got truth in me. I need to put it down.

I focus a lot in making myself a better person. I work hard and I improve myself in any way I could. However, I tend to forget that the relationships I am in with people transcends beyond everything.

In this hour, It’s me and God ONLY!! No other person. In most hours of my day there’s a third person between me and God.

So I tell God that my friends are my greatest treasure and that sometimes I feel lonely, but I probably do not know what lonely actually means.

God tells me this: Do not disregard your feelings, they are real. Recognise them and adjust accordingly. Yes. You sometimes feel lonely, but maybe that is not the issue. The issue is why do you think you feel lonely? What is that you’re trying resist or to not learn about yourself that you feel “less than” when you have to be alone with yourself?

I try answer God: But am I not human? Am I not supposed to feel filled and happy with friends and family?

God patiently says: True. Then, stop trying to think you are not human. You are fully human, and that is why you have to experience all feelings of being human. You ought to feel lonely so that you pass love to others. You ought to feel rejected so that you may be accepting. These are your feelings, love them cherish them, learn from them, that’s why now we are going to talk about the friends you feel you have neglected.

Let’s try to remember our friends who, without our knowledge, fought for us and carried us when we needed them to. Let’s talk to God about them. Let’s remind God on how good their hearts are. Let’s remind God that they are still the flowers of this world and they need His light, and water, and care. Let’s include our every day friends who never tell us their issues. Our everyday friends who suffer daily in silence. Those who are burdened but we are unable to see through them.

WE ARE ONE IN THIS HOUR WITH GOD- WITH LOVE AND GRACE.

Social Anxiety is real

Social anxiety is real. It’s not a phase. To me, however, I sometimes deal with it like I do with fear. I tell my fear this: I know you’re here and your job is to protect me, but I can’t allow you to make decisions for me every time.

This, however, does not make unreal. It’s real and it is to be recognised by people around us. It’s people like us who would send friends to do things on our behalf. It’s people like us who would ask a friend to ask a question in class because we feel like we can’t. It’s people like us who don’t need to explain why are we not going to an event.

I always say to my friends: Yeah, you may invite me – I’ll tell you if I don’t make it.

By this I do not mean to be a disappointment. However, I cannot go out just because someone wants me to. Every time I do something I do not want I feel like I have betrayed myself. This betrayal is greater than any because I believe I am the only one who can protect myself from betrayal- Now that it’s me who is doing it, it really becomes a problem.

We need people around us not judge us. We need them to understand that we do want to be with them and have fun, it’s just that sometimes it cannot happen. Maybe we can do this: Appreciate one another, say no if you feel like someone will never learn because every time they send you to the work.

The only way to build a better world is by acknowledging that we are dfferent, but we are madly in love still.

I am a Christian?

I am still a Christian.

Yes, I know that most of my speaking seems to not be in support with the truth that I am still a Christian.

Christianity for me was a given thing. I never chose it. I was born and my parents decided to take me to church, and whenever I do not want to go, my mom would say: I am going to lock my house, and all my gates, and I do not want to see anybody in here. When I come back from Church I want to find your room clean, and probably the whole house.

So it was difficult for me not to go. Just like most people I also grew up not in good talking terms with the Lord, I just thought He was angry at me for the wrong stuff I did.

As I grew up, I now had to make a choice, and I now I had to ask difficult questions.

Why am I a Christian?

I am a Christian because, At a young age, I got amazed of how  the Christ I read about was so wonderful. He was loving and very accepting. He was not tolerating people. He couldn’t make one feel worse about themselves. He listen, and listened, and listened.

I was very much interested on how He treated the sinners. I loved that. I was mesmerized by the adversity that He had to face, and the triumph thereof.

So I realised- Christ and Christianity? Holy Crap! We are called by his name. So then, this change my whole thought process. Christianity, for me, was a way of life. It was a lifestyle. Not a religion. It is spiritual.

I got angry of how Pastor and Reverend have presented this to me. Christianity for me was saying: This is a lifestyle for HUMANS. Human means you are bursted, and messy, and gracefully loved. That meant I was not going to be defined by mistakes. That meant I was not going to be defined by the thoughts and the Pastor’s voice won’t hunt me at night telling me I am going to hell.

I couldn’t handle the joy, and the freedom that came with that. So yes, Christianity is an everyday life- it taught me that life is forever tries. It taught me that I was created in power, and majesty and unconditional love. And I refuse to be told otherwise.

I am a Christian because I want to be like Christ. I want to help the poor. I want to help healing, I want to triumph evil. I want t experience heaven on earth. I want a constant reminder that I can triumph adversity.

I question a lot. I have atheist friends, who don’t believe in God, and sometimes they ask me question on the rules. What I always say is: Read the bible, pray, you may go t church(but you must note that the church might not help you in your objective to be Christ like and also the church tend to forget that not everyone is at the same balance of faith and spirituality) and help the poor, whatever that needs to be fixed in your life(your sinful behaviour) God has it sorted out (please note that you should not be doing bad to others- as this is objectively wrong – But whatever you find it be a gray area- it’ll be sorted out as you become Christ like). You focus on God, and He will do his work in you. No one can do anything without Him, Even the ones who seem holy (or are holy) It’s not them, its God helping and sustaining them.

In Christ, I focus on what I can do, because I know that I’ll be sustained and corrected as I become Christ like.

So yes, I am a Christian, because Christ is love and I want to be that.

 

The mind versus the Spirit

In all honesty, for me to decide not to do something is for all the reasons I would do it. It’s never about why I wouldn’t do it. Because I know for sure that my mind will search for all the evidence on why I can’t or shouldn’t or wouldn’t do something. I love my mind – it’s my faithful servant. It searches and it sometimes finds things I didn’t even want to know. But that’s its job – to protect me even when I am doing nothing significant.

 

 Basically, the Spirit gives you the knowing, and the mind searches for evidence. If your spirit is conscious of the knowing, because the you do not hesitate to do anything, then things will go pretty well. However, If you do hesitate, your mind begins to affirm the hesitation, then you have all the evidence you need to not do something.
Let’s try not to hesitate and just begin to do things.

A non-racial society, Is it possible?

“Race is an easy button in South Africa.”

I certainly not believe the statement, if you are conscious of how the system benefits the white population you’d then realise that people are not hiding behind the race card.

what can it really take to have a non-racial community?

I think this would work: Teaching black people self love, this should be the duty of parents and the media should also acknowledge that there’s beauty in blackness. Our education system should deal more with the black history and colonialism, so that white people understand why black people are hurt, and feel betrayed. This would make sense, as it would create an environment where people acknowledge the mistakes in the past,and how they’re benefiting from it.

Our education system should also include an education on white privilege. White privilege has nothing to do with the balance on your bank account. There are things which other races would not be able to get done because of their race, but you as a white man can.

White people should also stop asking this question: When are the black people going to forget, so that we can all move forward? It is the fault of our ancestors, not ours.

Rather they should ask this: When are we going to stop benefiting from what our forefathers did, so we can all move forward? Our ancestors fault, implicated the lives of others today. How do we fix it?

I really think we do not need answers, but knowledge is very important. It can do wonders to how we transform our society.

Is God really unconditional love?

It is just as hard for me to believe in a God that punishes. I do not sense where the unconditional love that we are told God is meets with punishing.

Someone had said: It’s the same way as a parent who would discipline their child for disobedience.

And I was still not convinced. Disciplining a child takes only few minutes. Sending someone to jail normally has a time frame(Mind you that jail is not meant to be a punishment, rather a rehabilitation center- where you go and reflect on what you did and you go and talk to the Spirit in you. Which is what will guide you)

Hell on the other hand sounds forever. The very same person said it is justice. I was questioning myself, justice for who, and against who?

How can we lose the fact that people are spiritual beings, and that anything they do with the mind and the body only might be hurtful to others or to themselves even, because they have separated from the truth of who they are.

If God is love. Love that is unconditional, then we should question the punishing issue. I believed in people creating their own hell on earth. They torment themselves by tormenting others. They are never at peace, and they do not experience joy. It’s all because they have separated themselves from their real selves(Which is the Spirit).

Can love be unconditional, yet when someone does something is sent to hell? Surely then, there is some condition to the love.

If we are also more spiritual and not religious, we should wonder why do we want others to be punished when we understand spirituality? where does the desire for them to be punished originates? is it really from the Spirit or our own ego (and mind and body- just like they live their lives)?

Let’s begin to be more spiritual than religious.

 

HOMOSEXUALS SHOULD BE ADMIRED…

We are too quick to ridicule or insult or worse, we are too quick to make people hate themselves.

Maybe it’s something we are not aware of, but for sure, what we are not aware of is that people often hate themselves first, before we can hate them. We actually find them at a tip of successfully stop hating themselves.

There’s this girl I know, she is everything that you’d imagine a girl to be (Apologies if this sounds sexist, it’s not the intention) However, she is a homosexual. She told me on how she actually hated herself when she became aware that she was different.

She said: When I really realised that I was gay, I thought it was a phase. Initially I was shocked. I was trying to keep it within me, and dismiss it. I didn’t want to date yet, So I gave it a few months. That little time I spent trying to ignore it was the worst thing ever. Because that’s where the evidence and signs were visible. I decided that I’ll pursue guys. And I did just that. I still was unable to cope, because it was like I am actually cheating on myself, I am actually cheating on the other person because the only thing I could offer in a relationship was sex. I wanted to prove myself that it couldn’t be. I ended a relationship and after this was depression. I could hear the way others condemned homosexuals. I could feel the hatred and a sense of disgust in people towards homo kids. I would see people being chased out of their houses, being disowned.

Depression was somewhat a way to escape my reality. I often looked at the pills from my parents drawers. I had, every moment, a great desire to end my life. My parents couldn’t notice. In black families as long as you’re obedient, you’re good. I looked for quick ways of ending my life. I could face the world with this truth. I do date girls. Few people know, my friends only. I still have the hatred towards myself. I used to be angry. I used to be angry at life, angry at God. Like why would God make me this way in this kind of world. So I prayed, and prayed. I prayed to be fixed. It never worked, however, what still works is the desire for the pills and rope to hang myself. Almost every night I cry and hate myself, however, each day I learn to love myself. I believe I’ve got so much to offer the world.

When homo kids start telling their truth, you should know that they have overcome the dark demon. They are now practicing self-love. They are trying to reach out to themselves. When they come out, just know that they are trying to reach out for help, out of a pit of self-hatred and suicidal behaviour. How can it be that people choose this kind of life?

You do not need to take them back there. What about homosexuals who are physically visible, those who are open and clear just by their physical being? They are scared for their lives every time they have to leave for shops. Every time they have to go to public bathrooms they wonder if they’ll ever come back alive or without injuries.

Maybe it’s for this reason we should admire them. Admire them for doing things normal people don’t have to do. We should admire their strength of thinking twice about their every single step. We should admire them for not having the guts to look at mirror because they are scared of actual seeing the shame people see in them. We should admire them for trying to practice self-love consciously. We should admire them for risking their lives every day. We should wonder if is this how we want to live our lives? Is this how we would love our kids to live?

We should be able to make informed decisions after we put ourselves in others shoe. That’s what grace is. Maybe accepting them would be a solution. Actually, Maybe accepting, appreciating and praying for them secretly could be the solution. Then, maybe we’d realise that when you are in conversation with God it always a reflection of yourself – You will then realise that the person that needs to change is you. So it is with homo kids, maybe when praying God tells them, “This is hard, I know, but I need you to learn deep-self love”

Maybe your love is the only thing that can fix people, because surely your hate is fixing it by raising the rates of suicide.

DEPRESSION AND PAIN.

The last year of my high school was the most longest, tiring and depressing year I’ve ever had. I realised that I was is so much pain that I actually never dealt with. I had great people in my life, I still do. I had people whom just being around made me happy.

 

Because it’s our last year of high school we had to work hard, which I didn’t have a problem with. However, with working hard we often dump the important things. We numb the pain and we also disregard our emotions. We are focused on the future that we neglect the most important things – Things that would really matter at our death bed.

 

We won’t value the fact that we graduated with distinctions, we really might not! However, we will value how we impacted the people around us, how we spent time listening and helping our loved ones. How we were able to lift the heads of our friends.

 

We often have to wonder this: if you were to be given three years to live, how would you spend the three years? What would be you highlights for the three years? How would you like to be remembered?

 

Don’t we think our lives would be the same if we lived according to the answers of the above questions? To some it would change drastically. But since life is forever tries, let’s try and live to our highest expressions daily, especially because  your three years could tomorrow. Your life might not end in three years but today.

 

In my high school I was really depressed. No one knew, and no one noticed. It was simply because of the people around me. I realised that pain needs to be felt. If you don’t feel your own, your loved ones will feel it. So let’s spend time with our people. Let’s just be there and even if we are quiet. Being quiet is the most beautiful thing, because the communication between the people transcends beyond the physical and it’s deepest and most sincere.

We always have to look at the sky and realised that the One who is holding it together and beautifully is also holding our lives together and beautifully.

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑